Setting & Maintaining Boundaries: Understanding and Overcoming Guilt.

People setting boundaries

It's completely understandable to experience guilt when you begin to set and uphold boundaries. This feeling often surfaces for a variety of reasons:

• New Concept:

  Boundaries may be a fresh concept for both you and those in your life.

• Past Experiences:

  If you grew up in a setting where boundaries were overlooked, establishing them now can feel particularly daunting.

• Fear of Reactions:

  You might worry about how others will respond, and that fear can weigh heavily on you.

• Prioritising Needs:

  It’s common to struggle with putting your own needs first, especially if you’re used to putting others ahead of yourself.

How to Gently Navigate Guilt

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings:

It’s perfectly natural to feel guilty during this process. Allow yourself to sit with these emotions. Recognising that guilt doesn’t mean you've made an incorrect decision is an essential part of your journey toward healthier boundaries. Emotions can be challenging, but accepting them is a significant step forward.

2. Practice Self-Compassion:

Be gentle with yourself during these moments. Validate your feelings without judgment. For example, you might say to yourself, “I feel guilty about telling my daughter I couldn’t take her shopping this weekend. It’s okay to feel this way because I care about her, but I know I did what was right for both myself and our relationship.” This approach allows you to honour your feelings while also prioritising your needs.

3. You’re Not Responsible for Others’ Reactions:

It can be tough when others respond negatively—whether through dismissiveness, invalidation, or silence. It's essential to remember that you cannot control how others feel or react. As Nedra Glover Tawwab points out, recognising this can be incredibly freeing. Communicate your boundaries assertively but with kindness, and keep in mind that their reactions reflect their feelings, not your worth.

4. Putting Yourself First Isn't Selfish:

Remind yourself that nurturing your own needs is a vital component of self-care. You might worry that asserting your needs comes off as "selfish" or "disrespectful," but in reality, it’s an important step toward healthier relationships. Taking care of yourself ultimately benefits those around you as well.

5. Practice Setting More Boundaries:

Just like any new skill, the more you practice setting boundaries, the easier it becomes. Many feelings of guilt arise from anticipating how others will react or feeling uncomfortable about expressing your needs. As you continue to set boundaries, you may discover that your experiences become increasingly positive, reinforcing that establishing these limits is not just acceptable—it’s essential.

Reflection Questions for You

1. What are your feelings about boundaries?

Were they part of your upbringing? Do you notice them in your current relationships with family and friends?

2. Where in your life do you feel the need for boundaries?

How do you recognise this need—maybe through feelings of resentment or difficulty saying no?

3. How will you communicate these boundaries?

Consider writing them down and practising how to express them out loud to feel more confident.

4. What are your concerns about how someone might react?

Acknowledge those worries, but try not to dwell on them. Spend some time thinking about how you would handle such reactions to prevent hesitating when it comes to setting the boundaries you need.

Remember, your journey toward establishing healthy boundaries is both important and valid. Experiencing a mix of emotions along the way is completely normal. Be gentle with yourself during this process—it's all part of the journey.

Your journey to establishing healthy boundaries is important, and feeling a mix of emotions along the way is perfectly natural. Be patient with yourself, and know that it’s a process.