Navigating Through the 5 Stages of Grief: My First-Hand Experience and the Path to Understanding

As I sit down to pen my thoughts on my experiences of grief, my heart weighs heavy with the memories and emotions that have shaped my understanding of loss. Losing someone we love is a uniquely painful experience that forever alters the fabric of our being. Navigating our way through the intricate web of emotions is challenging. In this blog post, I delve into the five stages of grief, drawing from my own journey, to help shed light on my path to acceptance and healing.

I also want to acknowledge the different types of grief we can experience. It can be traumatic, anticipated, or disenfranchised. We. may grieve our safety or independence, fertility, a career or friendship. We can grieve as children, siblings, and partners. Our grief can come from the loss of a pet, or job, or moving to a different state or place. We can lose our unborn children, our brothers, our daughters, our sons or our husbands or wives.

While I have acknowledged the different stages of grief we may experience, I by no means suggest that these occur in a lock-step order or that you don't experience them multiple times.

Elizabeth Kluber Ross in her book Death and Dying interviewed over 200 people with terminal illnesses to identify the different stages of grief.

Denial: The Initial Defence Mechanism

In the initial wave of grief, when you find there is not enough oxygen to fill your lungs. Each breath is as painful as the thoughts racing in your mind. However, at this point, with this incredible pain comes a form of denial. Providing a protective shield against the harsh reality of loss is the numbing sensation that gives the pain some reprieve. Its moments of feeling surreal, as if the world has paused in a twisted parody of life. Denial is a way for our minds to process the shock in manageable doses. It protects us from being overwhelmed by the full force of our emotions, allowing us to gradually come to terms with the truth.

How to cope: During this phase, it is important to face the loss that you have experienced. The only way to grow and heal is to be willing to look at what happened. The last thing you want to be is numb. When we’re numb, we don’t feel life and we often shut-down on those who need us.

Strategies: move your body (keep walking, walk or run listening to music), try to rest, sleeping is an important part of your recovery, journal or use art as therapy, cuddle your pets, try a rage room)

Anger: The Torrential Storm Within

As denial begins to wear off, anger emerges like a tempest brewing within. I found myself consumed by a myriad of emotions - anger at the unfairness of my loss, anger at inanimate objects that represented death, anger at feeling helpless, anger at the void that now loomed large in my life. It is a tumultuous phase, fraught with outbursts and internal battles. Anger, however, is not a sign of weakness but a testament to the depth of our love and the pain of our loss.

How to cope: If the anger is at such a level that it is causing challenges in other areas of life or is creating health and mental health symptoms, it is time to ask for help. You need someone to help you process the anger and strive to resolve or reduce it.

Strategies: try running, or going to the gym, listen to music, finish some unfinished jobs, talk about it, express it, spend time outdoors, start a new hobby. Try to work your anger into a positive.

Bargaining: The Desperate Plea for Reversal

In the intensity of the bargaining stage, we find ourselves seeking ways to turn back time, to undo the irrevocable loss that has befallen us. I recall nights filled with whispered prayers and promises made to the cosmos in a bid to regain what was lost. Bargaining is a delicate dance between hope and despair, a fragile thread that we cling to in our quest for solace.

How to cope: For young children, take the time to answer their questions and explain that they cannot (and should not) feel responsible for the loss. Explain that they are not able to change the situation. Reinforce the fact that adults have to work things out. For adults who bargain, it will be necessary for you (or the grieving person) to challenge bargaining thoughts or behaviours. Ask yourself (or the person) how and why they think bargaining will change things. Bargaining can seem very much like a form of denial mixed with depression.

Strategies: journal, talk to someone, self care, be gentle on yourself.

Depression: The Abyss of Sorrow

Depression descends like a heavy dark shroud, enveloping us in a cloak of sorrow and melancholy. It is a phase where the weight of our loss becomes unbearably palpable, where the world seems bleak and devoid of colour. The depths of despair can be unfathomable. We feel lost and in pain. It is like an abyss, where there is no falling, and no light. However, it is within this darkness that we find the resilience to journey towards the light.

How to cope: Understand that this is a normal part of the grieving process. Remember them, talk about them. If you are feeling suicidal, speak to a family member and get some professional support. Talk to your GP about how it is impacting you.

Strategies: Move your body, go for a walk outdoors, get at least 15-20 minutes of sunshine each day. Journal, get creative, listen to music, and practise self-care. This is the time when sleeping is incredibly important. Eat healthy foods, read books or listen to podcasts on positive habits of the mind.

Acceptance: The Dawning of Healing

Acceptance, the final stage of grief, is not an endpoint but a gateway to healing. It is here that we begin to make peace with our loss, to integrate it into the tapestry of our lives. Acceptance does not erase the pain but transforms it into a source of strength and wisdom. It marks the beginning of a new chapter, where memories are cherished, and life is embraced with a renewed sense of purpose.

How to cope: Take your time and do not pressure yourself to accept your loss and grief if you are not ready. It is a process that can take years and may never fully happen. The important thing to do is reach out for support and be open to allowing others to help you along the way. If you need to accept anything it will be that you are suffering and need someone to help you cope.

Strategies: Self-care, look at ways to overcome your own weaknesses and fears. During this stage I did different things to challenge myself - (I learnt to surf, got a boat license, jumped out of a perfectly good plane, studied).

The journey through the five stages of grief is not a linear progression but a fluid and nuanced process. Each stage offers its own lessons and challenges, shaping us in ways we never thought possible. As I reflect on my own path through grief, I realise that understanding and acknowledging the complexities of loss is key to navigating its tumultuous waters.